Vampires. Sparkly vampires.

[sandtree]

This book was more fun than it should have been. So obviously I had to do a summary of it.


BELLA'S MOM: Are you sure you want to leave the parched south to go live in a place with rain and trees, Bella? It's not too late to turn back, you know!
BELLA: I'm sure.
BELLA'S MOM: Why live with your father when you could be touring around Florida with me and my 25-year-old husband-thing who's trying to break into the exciting world of minor league baseball?
BELLA: Yeah, no.

CHARLIE: Uh, hi, Bella, nice to have you here. I'll just let you cook my meals and spend the rest of my time at work, or on 'fishing trips'.
BELLA: You're actually going fishing, right, Dad?
CHARLIE: Sure, why?
BELLA: I saw Brokeback Mountain last week.
CHARLIE: BTW, I bought you a truck from some guy on the reserve.

BELLA: *Drives to First Day of New School!*
TEENAGE BOYS: Hi Bella, can I walk you to your class, can I carry your books, eh eh eh?
BELLA: This could be all right.
JESSICA: Hi Bella, let's eat lunch together, lololol!
BELLA: Who are those mysterious yet alluring personages sitting conspicuously at their own table?
EDWARD: *Evil vampire glare, grrrr, arrrgh*
BELLA: :-\ Should I be worried that this guy is my partner in Biology?
EDWARD: Yes. *Grrr, arrgh, disappears for a week*
BELLA: Was it something I said? *Sniffs self* No, I still smell perfect.

TYLER: Oh, hai, you don't know me, but I'm about to kill you with my car.
EDWARD: *Swoops in to save the day*
BELLA: *Gasp!Shock!* How did you do that, you were standing eighteen metres away!
EDWARD: The girl's babbling, she must have a concussion.
BELLA: Spider-man?
EDWARD: I think somebody slipped this girl some crack.

TEENAGE GUY 1: Hey Bella, want to go to the spring dance with me?
BELLA: Sorry, I don't dance, due to my debilitating yet endearing clumsiness.

TEENAGE GUY 2: Hey Bella, want to go to the spring dance with me?
BELLA: Sorry, I don't dance, due to my debilitating yet endearing clumsiness.

TYLER: Hey Bella, sorry about almost killing you, do you want to go to the spring dance with me?
BELLA: Fuck off, please.
EDWARD: lol.
BELLA: *Rage, rage*

BIOLOGY TEACHER: Okay kids, today you're going to stab yourself in the finger to find out your blood type!
BELLA: In which parallel reality is something like this legal?
BIOLOGY TEACHER: Bella, this is Washington.
BELLA: I must flee the classroom. The smell of blood makes me ill, which will probably serve some purpose in future books, since it didn't in this one.

EDWARD: So you don't like the smell of blood?
BELLA: Who does?
EDWARD: . . . No one.

JACOB: Hi, I'm here for the plot exposition.
BELLA: *Bats eyelashes* You're like, what, 25?
JACOB: . . . 15.
BELLA: So what's up with those Cullens?
JACOB: They're not allowed on the reserve.
BELLA: Why, they don't like natives?
JACOB: No, because they're vampires.
BELLA: wut.

BELLA: *Googles vampires*
BELLA: ohisee.

JESSICA: Let's spend eight pages describing the dresses we try on!
OTHER GIRL: lol, Yeah!
BELLA: I'm just going to go wandering through this strange city alone now.
JESSICA: Okay Bella, catch up with you later!

THUGS: Hay thurr girlie want 2 be havin teh sexy time?
BELLA: *Prepares to smash Thug 1's nose into his brain, possibly, probably not*
EDWARD: *Swoops in to save the day*
BELLA: That too.
EDWARD: Let's go for dinner.

WAITRESS: Oh hay thurr hot vampire dude.
EDWARD: Bella, let's see how much pop you can drink without having to pee.
BELLA: Okay.
WAITRESS: I am blonde! I am busty! Pay attention to me!
EDWARD: Cheque, plz.

EDWARD: *Drives like a maniac*
BELLA: You're going to crash.
EDWARD: No I'm not, I can do anything.
BELLA: That's not a very good attitude.
EDWARD: I was being literal.

BELLA: So I'm pretty sure you're a vampire.
EDWARD: What! How! When!
BELLA: Google.
EDWARD: ohisee. I am a vampire. But I am vampirically in love with you.
BELLA: Edward, what do you see in me?!
EDWARD: You smell nice.
BELLA: Oh.
EDWARD: Want to be my girlfriend? But I might accidentally bite you and kill you.
BELLA: Okay, that's pretty hot.

JACOB'S DAD: Bella, I'm warning you about that Cullen boy!
BELLA: Okay, bye.

EDWARD: This is what happens when I go out in the sun, Bella. *Sparkles*
BELLA: *Fans self*
SURROUNDING FOLIAGE: *Embarrassed silence*
EDWARD: My love for you is like a heroin addiction.
BELLA: That's what a girl likes to hear.

BELLA: Sexy time?
EDWARD: Sorry Bella, sexy time could turn deadly.
BELLA: Oh. So they weren't lying in health class.

JACOB'S DAD: Bella, I'm staking out your house now to warn you about that Cullen boy!
JACOB: Sorry, Bella, my dad's on crack.

BELLA: Dad, this is my vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen.
CHARLIE: Boyfriend? Cullen? When did this happen? You date? You've hit puberty?
BELLA: Oh dad, you missed all my crazy adventures because you were off 'fishing' with Jacob's deranged father!
CHARLIE: Well, what are you two doing tonight?
EDWARD: Vampire baseball.

GOOD VAMPIRES: Uh, the sound of our vampire baseball has attracted some. . . vampires.
BELLA: I should probably try to escape.
GOOD VAMPIRES: No, it's too late.
BELLA: No, really, I think if we just cut through the forest in the opposite direction, they would never even know -
GOOD VAMPIRES: Nope, sorry. Too late.
BELLA: Okay, I'll try hiding behind my hair.

BAD VAMPIRES: Oh, awesome, food.
EDWARD: *Prepares for the smackdown*
JAMES: I guess I should have a name, since I'm about to kill you.
GOOD VAMPIRES: *Escape with Bella*
BELLA: Oh good, I'm safe now.
GOOD VAMPIRES: Actually, now he's tracking you.
BELLA: o rly.

BELLA: Dad, I'm leaving this godforsaken town forever!
CHARLIE: Wut?
BELLA: I hate rain! And trees! And hot, sparkly vampires! Farewell!
CHARLIE: Is this a puberty thing?
BELLA: Oh yeah, and if any vampires come to the door, don't answer it.

GOOD VAMPIRE ALICE: I guess I should be named, since I'm kind of important.
BELLA: Let's go to Phoenix.
ALICE: But that's where you used to live.
BELLA: Exactly, he'd never expect me to go to the place where he'd expect me to be going.
ALICE: It's brilliant!

JAMES: *Heads on down to Phoenix*

PHONE: *Rings*
BELLA: Hello?
BELLA'S MOM: Bella?! Bella?!
BELLA: Mom, what's wrong? Your voice has a strange recorded quality to it!
JAMES: Yeah, I've got your mom, and I'm going to kill her unless you come meet me at a deserted dance studio.
BELLA: Okay. This could in no way be a trap.

BELLA: *Writes angsty letter to Edward, updates livejournal, takes a look at Snape's memories, prepares to meet her death*

BELLA: Well, I'm here to meet my death. Where's Mom?
JAMES: On this TV screen. I cleverly played a recording of your mother's voice from a home movie over the telephone.
BELLA: Oh my God, it was a trap! How could anyone have seen this coming? Well, I'm just glad Mom's okay. You can kill me now.
JAMES: What, just like that?
BELLA: Yep, go ahead.
JAMES: You're kind of disappointing.
BELLA: Start the killing, please, this is getting old.
JAMES: Okay, but I'm going to tape it and then show it to your boyfriend.
BELLA: . . . Ew. Can we talk about this?
JAMES: *Attacks!*

EDWARD: *Swoops in to save the day*
BELLA: Spider-man?
EDWARD'S DAD: Well, she's bleeding from the head, she's covered in bruises, her leg's broken, her ribs are cracked, and her skull is fractured.
BELLA: My hand hurts.
ALICE: Oh, good, he bit her! Now we can be vampire sisters.
EDWARD: Um, no.
EDWARD'S DAD: Oh, just suck the poison out of her blood.
EDWARD: Did we forget the part where I'm a vampire?

BELLA: Edward, I can't believe you were able to suck the poison out of my blood without killing me!
EDWARD: It must be my supernatural love for you.
NURSE: More pain meds!

BELLA: Edward, you're wearing a tuxedo, and Alice dressed me up and did my hair and my makeup, where could we possibly be going?
EDWARD: I'm beginning to see how that vampire got you to the dance studio so easily.

BELLA: PROM? You're taking me to PROM?! I hate you!
EDWARD: You'll get over it.

JACOB: Uh, hey.
EDWARD: *Glare of vampiric death*
JACOB: Uh, Bella, my dad paid me to come and tell you to -
BELLA: Watch out for Edward?
JACOB: Yeah, how'd you guess?
BELLA: Just a hunch.
JACOB: BTW, I know you haven't seen me in a couple months, but I've grown six inches, and -
EDWARD: Okay, this is ending. now.

BELLA: Edward, bite me.
EDWARD: What'd I do now?
BELLA: I was being literal. Bite me. I want to be a vampire, like you.
EDWARD: Sry, no.
BELLA: Edward, you're the only person I care at all about except for my mom, who I just knowingly went to my probable death to save, and my dad, who I felt really bad about leaving, and I'd probably miss Jacob, and a lot of the kids at school, and. . .!
EDWARD: Okay, I'll bite you.
BELLA: Really?!
EDWARD: No. lolz.

THE END.

And now... Part 2, 'NEW MOON in Fifteen Minutes'.