Werewolves, now
Sep. 18th, 2007 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sandtreeSo I've finished New Moon, because these books are clearly sent from Hell to latch onto my brain and not let me stop reading them.
This one was harder to write, because New Moon was good. I mean, like, really good. I kind of loved it. I kind of loved the temporary tattoos that came with it, too. Anyway, this parody was crafted lovingly, that's my point. That doesn't mean it wasn't fun to write.
BELLA: Edward, I had this crazy dream where I was looking at my grandma, but it was actually me in the mirror, and I was all old and dried-up and hideous.
EDWARD: Happy Birthday!
BELLA: Don't you get it? I'm going to get old! I'm going to look like an apricot!
EDWARD: Nonsense. Come on, we're going to be late for your vampire birthday party.
BELLA: I don't want to be 18! If only there were some way to stop the process of aging.
EDWARD: Botox?
BELLA: Oops, cut myself, how silly of me.
Vampires: . . . !
JASPER: *Tries to attack!*
BELLA: Oh look, I've cut myself again, and again, and again, and --
CARLISLE: Okay, enough of that.
EDWARD: Bella, I'm leaving. Forevah.
BELLA: Okay, when can I pack?
EDWARD: You're not coming. I've realised that I, uh, don't like you anymore.
BELLA: wut.
EDWARD: It's not me, it's you. Bai.
BELLA: Clearly he could only be leaving because he has suddenly had a drastic and utterly inexplicable change of heart and really does hate me, and not because he wants to protect me! I knew I shouldn't have told him about becoming an apricot!
BELLA: Dad, what day is it?
CHARLIE: Monday, why?
BELLA: Why is it snowing outside?
CHARLIE: It's January.
BELLA: Are you sure it's not September?
CHARLIE: . . . Do you need to see the doctor?
BELLA: How odd. It's almost as if the pages for the last three months were left blank!
ZOMBIES: Ugghhhhhhh. . .
JESSICA: This movie is gross. Bella, why did you want to see this?
BELLA: These stumbling undead monsters are strikingly familiar, because they're me -- I wanted to be a vampire, but I've become a zombie! Oh, the wretched irony!
JESSICA: Bella, what the hell are you doing?
BELLA: Just walking across this dark street to talk to those strange men outside that seedy bar.
VOICE OF EDWARD: Probably not the best idea.
BELLA: Oh, awesome, if I put myself in mortal danger, I'll hear his voice again!
JESSICA: Can we just go to McDonald's now? Please?
BELLA: Hey Jacob, I know I've kind of ignored you for the past eight months, but can you help me fix up these motorbikes so I can try to kill myself on one?
JACOB: Sure thing! Good thing my dad's paralysed so he can't get out to the shed and see what we're doing. Ha ha!
BELLA: Ha ha!
JACOB'S FRIENDS: Hey Jake, you've got a GIRL in your SHED.
BELLA: Hi there, Jacob's giving me riding lessons.
JACOB'S FRIENDS: lololol
BELLA: He's pretty good with his hands, too.
JACOB'S FRIENDS: Bow-chicka-bow-bow!
JACOB: STFU
BELLA: I don't get it.
BELLA: It's amazing how many times I can crash a motorbike without wearing a helmet and walk away relatively unscathed. Maybe I'm immortal after all!
VOICE OF EDWARD: You're an idiot, actually.
JACOB: Bella, I think you should go to the emergency room.
BELLA: But why? That'll be the third time this week, they'll start to get suspicious.
JACOB: You have a giant gash on your head and you're bleeding profusely.
BELLA: Ha ha! Good thing you're not a vampire, Jake.
BELLA: Hey Mike, I've got a group of about fifty people going to a movie, want to come along?
MIKE: Sure!
BELLA: Oh, uh -- looks like all fifty people caught the flu. I guess it's just you, me, and Jacob.
MIKE: This is awkward.
BELLA: So awkward.
JACOB: Well, I'm having a blast!
BELLA: Um, pity about Mike being the 51st case of stomach flu.
JACOB: Actually, I'm pretty glad he's gone. You like me, right, Bella?
BELLA: Of course I do, you're like a drug that makes me forget all the unpleasant things that have happened to me likeEdward Edward Edward Edward Edward Edward that one thing that I can't talk about!
JACOB: You're using me as a narcotic? Oh well, I'll take what I can get.
BELLA: Uh, boundaries! Boundaries! Wow, Jacob, your skin feels really hot -- almost like the opposite of a vampire!
JACOB: I think I need to go home now.
BELLA: Hey Jacob's Dad, where's Jacob, he seemed really sick, and he hasn't called me?
JACOB'S DAD: Uh, he has -- mono, that's it, mono.
BELLA: *Googles mono*
BELLA: This can't be right, it says here that you get mono from kissing. Jacob hasn't been kissing me, and since I'm the only one anyone ever wants to kiss. . . Jacob can't have mono! LIES, DECEIT!
CHARLIE: Hey Jacob's Dad, my daughter's been calling your house every five minutes for the past three days, but there's been no answer.
JACOB'S DAD: Oh, right, uh -- the phone lines are out. Yeah, that's it. The phone lines.
CHARLIE: Sounds plausible.
CHARLIE: Bella, don't go wandering in the woods today, there are giant wolves on the prowl.
BELLA: Okay, Dad.
BELLA: *Goes wandering in the woods*
LAURENT: Hello, tasty.
BELLA: OMG, it's the French Canadian vampire from the last book!
LAURENT: Mais oui, remember that vampire Edward killed for you last year? His girlfriend wants to rip you to shreds.
BELLA: Um.
LAURENT: So, are the Cullens still in town?
BELLA: No, why?
VOICE OF EDWARD: Honesty probably isn't the best policy in this case.
BELLA: I mean, yes! They are! They're right around the corner!
LAURENT: You know, it's amazing that you're still alive.
BELLA: Except now you're going to kill me.
LAURENT: Oh, now she quickens up? Look on the bright side, at least it's me and not --
GIANT WOLVES: *Show up*
BELLA: Oh good, giant wolves, and one that looks strikingly like Jacob!
LAURENT: Tabarnac! I must flee!
BELLA: Jacob's Dad, I'm staking out your house now so that I can talk to Jacob!
JACOB: GTFO.
BELLA: Jacob, wtf? Like I can take another betrayal!
JACOB: Sorry Bella, I have new friends now, and I have to go and be angry with them.
BELLA: Jacob, just tell me the truth -- are you on crack?
JACOB: No.
BELLA: Is it PCP, because we learned about that in health class, and it's really not --
JACOB: Just leave. Please.
BELLA: Jacob, you know, there's a bloodthirsty vampire on the loose, and she's looking for me, and clawing at my window in the dead of night really doesn't help.
JACOB: Sorry, Bella, I just came to give you some hints.
BELLA: Hints?
JACOB: You know, so you can figure out what's wrong with me. Remember when we first met?
BELLA: Sure.
JACOB: Remember the stories I told you?
BELLA: Sure. Vampires.
JACOB: Right, vampires, and. . . ?
BELLA: Sorry, I've got nothing.
BELLA: My, that was a strange dream, Jacob turning into a giant --
BELLA: ohisee.
BELLA: You know, the local population of mythological creatures is disproportionate to the size of this town.
JACOB: I'm glad you're catching on.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves, what's it going to be next year?
JACOB: Lumberjacks?
BELLA: Not to mention the zombies!
JACOB: Oh BTW, I don't know if I mentioned this to you, or if you googled it, but werewolves are the sworn enemies of vampires, so we're tracking that chick who wants to rip you to shreds.
BELLA: That's comforting.
JACOB: Don't worry, we've chased her half-way to Canada.
CANADIANS: OMGWTF GTFO.
BELLA: Watch me soar, free as a bird, off this cliff, right into the ocean!
VOICE OF EDWARD: Really, REALLY not a great idea.
CURRENT: Hi.
BELLA: oh.
BELLA: Thanks for saving me, Jake. It's so weird, I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of an evil vampire swimming toward me while I was drowning. Must've been a trick of the light.
JACOB: Do you want to stay here?
BELLA: No, I think I'll just go home.
ALICE: Bella, I'm so glad to see you! Why do you smell like a werewolf?
BELLA: Oh, that's just Jacob, he's my best friend.
ALICE: But he's a werewolf.
BELLA: Uh huh.
ALICE: But you still want to be a vampire?
BELLA: For sure.
ALICE: :-\
JACOB: Ew, Bella, why do you smell like a vampire?
BELLA: I can't win with you people, can I?
PHONE: *Rings*
JACOB: Hello? Nope. Not here. Funeral. Uh huh. Laterz.
ALICE: Who was that?
JACOB: Oh, just Edward Cullen.
ALICE: !
JACOB: Yeah, I kind of implied that Bella was dead. Oops.
BELLA: Well, he'll get over it.
ALICE: Actually, Edward's on his way to Italy to piss off theMedicis Volturi. You know, the vampire ruling elite.
BELLA: Why would he want to do that?
ALICE: Obviously he wants to kill himself, because he thinks you're dead.
BELLA: But Edward doesn't like me anymore!
ALICE: Are you sure you're not on crack? Bella, have these werewolves been giving you crack?
BELLA: You know, some people get to go to Disney World for spring break. I get to go to Italy to face off against evil vampires.
BELLA: So how's Edward planning to get the Volturi to kill him?
ALICE: He's going to break the cardinal rule of being a vampire.
BELLA: What's that?
ALICE: You already know it.
BELLA: Don't. . . die?
ALICE: This is going to be a long flight.
ALICE: Okay, here we are. Now in a few seconds, Edward is going to step out of that alley into the sunlight and sparkle at everyone, thus breaking the cardinal rule of being a vampire, which is to not give away the fact that you're a vampire.
BELLA: Oh.
ALICE: You've got about ten seconds. Good luck.
EDWARD: Oh, it's you, Bella, how nice. I must be dead.
BELLA: No, you're not, and we kind of have to get out of here.
EDWARD: What for?
VOLTURI: lol Hey.
EDWARD: Oh. Snap.
ARO: What's up, guys? Enjoying the festival?
ALICE: Actually, we were just leaving.
ARO: So soon? But I've hardly demonstrated how evil we are!
ALICE: I think we're good, actually.
ARO: Maybe I should torture Edward some more? No? Maybe this human girl?
ALICE: Uh.
ARO: Oh, look at that, she can't be tortured -- and I can't read her mind, either! How divine!
EDWARD: Okay, we've got a plane to catch --
ARO: This amuses me greatly! Very well, go, but only on the condition that you turn Bella into a vampire ASAP.
BELLA: Hey, this trip turned out okay after all.
EDWARD: So, uh, I don't actually hate you. I was lying to protect you.
BELLA: Oh, Edward, you fooled me completely!
EDWARD: I'm not sure why I'm surprised.
BELLA: It looks like the Volturi are going to come after me, and your whole family wants me to be a vampire, so what do you say? Bite me?
EDWARD: Maybe in five years.
BELLA: Five minutes.
EDWARD: Two years.
BELLA: Six minutes.
EDWARD: Okay, six months.
BELLA: Six and a half minutes.
EDWARD: All right, I'll make you a vampire, but only if you marry me first.
BELLA: Marriage?!
EDWARD: Marriage scares you more than the idea of eternal damnation?
BELLA: But I'm only eighteen!
EDWARD: Whatever you say.
JACOB: Bella, I'm staking out your house now to get you in trouble with your dad and bitch at Edward.
BELLA: Jacob, why do you have to be such a douche?
JACOB: I just came to remind you that the Vampires vs. Werewolves treaty states that if a vampire bites a human, we have the right to attack.
EDWARD: Bites?
JACOB: Even a nibble.
BELLA: Jacob, you cad!
JACOB: Suckers.
BELLA: We're going to have some serious problems in the next book.
CHARLIE: That's an understatement, young lady!
THE END.
Go on to Part 3: 'ECLIPSE in Fifteen Minutes'.
This one was harder to write, because New Moon was good. I mean, like, really good. I kind of loved it. I kind of loved the temporary tattoos that came with it, too. Anyway, this parody was crafted lovingly, that's my point. That doesn't mean it wasn't fun to write.
BELLA: Edward, I had this crazy dream where I was looking at my grandma, but it was actually me in the mirror, and I was all old and dried-up and hideous.
EDWARD: Happy Birthday!
BELLA: Don't you get it? I'm going to get old! I'm going to look like an apricot!
EDWARD: Nonsense. Come on, we're going to be late for your vampire birthday party.
BELLA: I don't want to be 18! If only there were some way to stop the process of aging.
EDWARD: Botox?
BELLA: Oops, cut myself, how silly of me.
Vampires: . . . !
JASPER: *Tries to attack!*
BELLA: Oh look, I've cut myself again, and again, and again, and --
CARLISLE: Okay, enough of that.
EDWARD: Bella, I'm leaving. Forevah.
BELLA: Okay, when can I pack?
EDWARD: You're not coming. I've realised that I, uh, don't like you anymore.
BELLA: wut.
EDWARD: It's not me, it's you. Bai.
BELLA: Clearly he could only be leaving because he has suddenly had a drastic and utterly inexplicable change of heart and really does hate me, and not because he wants to protect me! I knew I shouldn't have told him about becoming an apricot!
BELLA: Dad, what day is it?
CHARLIE: Monday, why?
BELLA: Why is it snowing outside?
CHARLIE: It's January.
BELLA: Are you sure it's not September?
CHARLIE: . . . Do you need to see the doctor?
BELLA: How odd. It's almost as if the pages for the last three months were left blank!
ZOMBIES: Ugghhhhhhh. . .
JESSICA: This movie is gross. Bella, why did you want to see this?
BELLA: These stumbling undead monsters are strikingly familiar, because they're me -- I wanted to be a vampire, but I've become a zombie! Oh, the wretched irony!
JESSICA: Bella, what the hell are you doing?
BELLA: Just walking across this dark street to talk to those strange men outside that seedy bar.
VOICE OF EDWARD: Probably not the best idea.
BELLA: Oh, awesome, if I put myself in mortal danger, I'll hear his voice again!
JESSICA: Can we just go to McDonald's now? Please?
BELLA: Hey Jacob, I know I've kind of ignored you for the past eight months, but can you help me fix up these motorbikes so I can try to kill myself on one?
JACOB: Sure thing! Good thing my dad's paralysed so he can't get out to the shed and see what we're doing. Ha ha!
BELLA: Ha ha!
JACOB'S FRIENDS: Hey Jake, you've got a GIRL in your SHED.
BELLA: Hi there, Jacob's giving me riding lessons.
JACOB'S FRIENDS: lololol
BELLA: He's pretty good with his hands, too.
JACOB'S FRIENDS: Bow-chicka-bow-bow!
JACOB: STFU
BELLA: I don't get it.
BELLA: It's amazing how many times I can crash a motorbike without wearing a helmet and walk away relatively unscathed. Maybe I'm immortal after all!
VOICE OF EDWARD: You're an idiot, actually.
JACOB: Bella, I think you should go to the emergency room.
BELLA: But why? That'll be the third time this week, they'll start to get suspicious.
JACOB: You have a giant gash on your head and you're bleeding profusely.
BELLA: Ha ha! Good thing you're not a vampire, Jake.
BELLA: Hey Mike, I've got a group of about fifty people going to a movie, want to come along?
MIKE: Sure!
BELLA: Oh, uh -- looks like all fifty people caught the flu. I guess it's just you, me, and Jacob.
MIKE: This is awkward.
BELLA: So awkward.
JACOB: Well, I'm having a blast!
BELLA: Um, pity about Mike being the 51st case of stomach flu.
JACOB: Actually, I'm pretty glad he's gone. You like me, right, Bella?
BELLA: Of course I do, you're like a drug that makes me forget all the unpleasant things that have happened to me like
JACOB: You're using me as a narcotic? Oh well, I'll take what I can get.
BELLA: Uh, boundaries! Boundaries! Wow, Jacob, your skin feels really hot -- almost like the opposite of a vampire!
JACOB: I think I need to go home now.
BELLA: Hey Jacob's Dad, where's Jacob, he seemed really sick, and he hasn't called me?
JACOB'S DAD: Uh, he has -- mono, that's it, mono.
BELLA: *Googles mono*
BELLA: This can't be right, it says here that you get mono from kissing. Jacob hasn't been kissing me, and since I'm the only one anyone ever wants to kiss. . . Jacob can't have mono! LIES, DECEIT!
CHARLIE: Hey Jacob's Dad, my daughter's been calling your house every five minutes for the past three days, but there's been no answer.
JACOB'S DAD: Oh, right, uh -- the phone lines are out. Yeah, that's it. The phone lines.
CHARLIE: Sounds plausible.
CHARLIE: Bella, don't go wandering in the woods today, there are giant wolves on the prowl.
BELLA: Okay, Dad.
BELLA: *Goes wandering in the woods*
LAURENT: Hello, tasty.
BELLA: OMG, it's the French Canadian vampire from the last book!
LAURENT: Mais oui, remember that vampire Edward killed for you last year? His girlfriend wants to rip you to shreds.
BELLA: Um.
LAURENT: So, are the Cullens still in town?
BELLA: No, why?
VOICE OF EDWARD: Honesty probably isn't the best policy in this case.
BELLA: I mean, yes! They are! They're right around the corner!
LAURENT: You know, it's amazing that you're still alive.
BELLA: Except now you're going to kill me.
LAURENT: Oh, now she quickens up? Look on the bright side, at least it's me and not --
GIANT WOLVES: *Show up*
BELLA: Oh good, giant wolves, and one that looks strikingly like Jacob!
LAURENT: Tabarnac! I must flee!
BELLA: Jacob's Dad, I'm staking out your house now so that I can talk to Jacob!
JACOB: GTFO.
BELLA: Jacob, wtf? Like I can take another betrayal!
JACOB: Sorry Bella, I have new friends now, and I have to go and be angry with them.
BELLA: Jacob, just tell me the truth -- are you on crack?
JACOB: No.
BELLA: Is it PCP, because we learned about that in health class, and it's really not --
JACOB: Just leave. Please.
BELLA: Jacob, you know, there's a bloodthirsty vampire on the loose, and she's looking for me, and clawing at my window in the dead of night really doesn't help.
JACOB: Sorry, Bella, I just came to give you some hints.
BELLA: Hints?
JACOB: You know, so you can figure out what's wrong with me. Remember when we first met?
BELLA: Sure.
JACOB: Remember the stories I told you?
BELLA: Sure. Vampires.
JACOB: Right, vampires, and. . . ?
BELLA: Sorry, I've got nothing.
BELLA: My, that was a strange dream, Jacob turning into a giant --
BELLA: ohisee.
BELLA: You know, the local population of mythological creatures is disproportionate to the size of this town.
JACOB: I'm glad you're catching on.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves, what's it going to be next year?
JACOB: Lumberjacks?
BELLA: Not to mention the zombies!
JACOB: Oh BTW, I don't know if I mentioned this to you, or if you googled it, but werewolves are the sworn enemies of vampires, so we're tracking that chick who wants to rip you to shreds.
BELLA: That's comforting.
JACOB: Don't worry, we've chased her half-way to Canada.
CANADIANS: OMGWTF GTFO.
BELLA: Watch me soar, free as a bird, off this cliff, right into the ocean!
VOICE OF EDWARD: Really, REALLY not a great idea.
CURRENT: Hi.
BELLA: oh.
BELLA: Thanks for saving me, Jake. It's so weird, I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of an evil vampire swimming toward me while I was drowning. Must've been a trick of the light.
JACOB: Do you want to stay here?
BELLA: No, I think I'll just go home.
ALICE: Bella, I'm so glad to see you! Why do you smell like a werewolf?
BELLA: Oh, that's just Jacob, he's my best friend.
ALICE: But he's a werewolf.
BELLA: Uh huh.
ALICE: But you still want to be a vampire?
BELLA: For sure.
ALICE: :-\
JACOB: Ew, Bella, why do you smell like a vampire?
BELLA: I can't win with you people, can I?
PHONE: *Rings*
JACOB: Hello? Nope. Not here. Funeral. Uh huh. Laterz.
ALICE: Who was that?
JACOB: Oh, just Edward Cullen.
ALICE: !
JACOB: Yeah, I kind of implied that Bella was dead. Oops.
BELLA: Well, he'll get over it.
ALICE: Actually, Edward's on his way to Italy to piss off the
BELLA: Why would he want to do that?
ALICE: Obviously he wants to kill himself, because he thinks you're dead.
BELLA: But Edward doesn't like me anymore!
ALICE: Are you sure you're not on crack? Bella, have these werewolves been giving you crack?
BELLA: You know, some people get to go to Disney World for spring break. I get to go to Italy to face off against evil vampires.
BELLA: So how's Edward planning to get the Volturi to kill him?
ALICE: He's going to break the cardinal rule of being a vampire.
BELLA: What's that?
ALICE: You already know it.
BELLA: Don't. . . die?
ALICE: This is going to be a long flight.
ALICE: Okay, here we are. Now in a few seconds, Edward is going to step out of that alley into the sunlight and sparkle at everyone, thus breaking the cardinal rule of being a vampire, which is to not give away the fact that you're a vampire.
BELLA: Oh.
ALICE: You've got about ten seconds. Good luck.
EDWARD: Oh, it's you, Bella, how nice. I must be dead.
BELLA: No, you're not, and we kind of have to get out of here.
EDWARD: What for?
VOLTURI: lol Hey.
EDWARD: Oh. Snap.
ARO: What's up, guys? Enjoying the festival?
ALICE: Actually, we were just leaving.
ARO: So soon? But I've hardly demonstrated how evil we are!
ALICE: I think we're good, actually.
ARO: Maybe I should torture Edward some more? No? Maybe this human girl?
ALICE: Uh.
ARO: Oh, look at that, she can't be tortured -- and I can't read her mind, either! How divine!
EDWARD: Okay, we've got a plane to catch --
ARO: This amuses me greatly! Very well, go, but only on the condition that you turn Bella into a vampire ASAP.
BELLA: Hey, this trip turned out okay after all.
EDWARD: So, uh, I don't actually hate you. I was lying to protect you.
BELLA: Oh, Edward, you fooled me completely!
EDWARD: I'm not sure why I'm surprised.
BELLA: It looks like the Volturi are going to come after me, and your whole family wants me to be a vampire, so what do you say? Bite me?
EDWARD: Maybe in five years.
BELLA: Five minutes.
EDWARD: Two years.
BELLA: Six minutes.
EDWARD: Okay, six months.
BELLA: Six and a half minutes.
EDWARD: All right, I'll make you a vampire, but only if you marry me first.
BELLA: Marriage?!
EDWARD: Marriage scares you more than the idea of eternal damnation?
BELLA: But I'm only eighteen!
EDWARD: Whatever you say.
JACOB: Bella, I'm staking out your house now to get you in trouble with your dad and bitch at Edward.
BELLA: Jacob, why do you have to be such a douche?
JACOB: I just came to remind you that the Vampires vs. Werewolves treaty states that if a vampire bites a human, we have the right to attack.
EDWARD: Bites?
JACOB: Even a nibble.
BELLA: Jacob, you cad!
JACOB: Suckers.
BELLA: We're going to have some serious problems in the next book.
CHARLIE: That's an understatement, young lady!
THE END.
Go on to Part 3: 'ECLIPSE in Fifteen Minutes'.
