Breaking Dawn in Fifteen Minutes

[sandtree]

'TWILIGHT in Fifteen Minutes'
'NEW MOON in Fifteen Minutes'
'ECLIPSE in Fifteen Minutes'

Obviously, major spoilers for 'Breaking Dawn' beneath the cut.


BELLA: I’ve got a shiny ring on my finger, a credit card in my pocket, I’m driving a missile-proof sports car, and Edward somehow got me into Dartmouth – could my life get any worse?!
MISSING PERSON POSTER: ‘Have you seen Jacob Black, the werewolf who took off in a storm of angst when the love of his life callously chose to marry another?’
BELLA: . . . AND I have to get married tomorrow?

BELLA: Hey Seth, uh, heard from Jacob lately?
SETH: Nope, sorry, Bella – I’m pretty sure he’s still wallowing in misery up in Canada.
CANADIANS: Wut.
SETH: Can’t tell you which province, though.
PROVINCES: D:
TERRITORIES: Phew.

BELLA: arrrgghhh omgmarriagemarriagemarriagemarriagemarriagemarriage –
EDWARD: . . .
BELLA: . . . edwardedwardedwardedwardedwardedwardedward . . . !
MINISTER: This is the weirdest shit I’ve ever officiated.

JACOB: *Shows up*
BELLA: Jaaaaaaaaaake! :D
JACOB: Bella, I'm crashing your wedding to ask you when you’re planning on forsaking the mortal life of your people?
BELLA: Um, in a week or two, I guess.
JACOB: Guess you’re not going to have that much fun on the honeymoon.
BELLA: Oh, no, we’ll be having lots of hot se –
JACOB: Go on.
BELLA: Lots of hot . . . sesame . . . seeds . . . ?
JACOB: RAGE!

EDWARD: What seems to be the problem?
JACOB: Let me get this straight. You plan to have SEX with your WIFE on your honeymoon?
GUESTS: . . .
EDWARD: I don’t have to explain myself to a werewolf! GTFO.
JACOB: You villain! *Lunges*
EDWARD: Restrain him!
JACOB: Fine. Goodbye . . . forevah.
BELLA: Jacob, noooooooooooooooooooooo!
D.J.: It’s tiiiiiiiiiime for the Chicken Dance!

ALICE: Okay, guys, have fun on your honeymoon! But not too much fun. Bella, I packed you some lingerie, tampons, painkillers, and bandages! Hmm, did I forget anything else that might be readily available at a drug store, and good to have on hand in case of sex?

EDWARD: Hey Bella, you know how Charlie thought you were pregnant before we told him we were getting married?
BELLA: Sure, what about it?
EDWARD: Don’t you wish he had been right?
BELLA: . . . No.
EDWARD: I mean, after you’re a vampire you can’t have kids. I just don’t want you to be like Rosalie. She really wanted kids. Really, REALLY wanted them.
BELLA: Oh, don't worry, Edward, Rosalie's just on crack. Who wants kids? Gross.

BELLA: lol Hey, remember that story about how vampires used to turn kids into vampires, and they called them the ‘immortal children’, and they turned out to be super crazy, and they all had to be slaughtered?
EDWARD: What on earth made you think of that?
BELLA: idk, foreshadowing?

BELLA: Edward, I’m so glad to be here, on our honeymoon, on this beautiful, uninhabited island . . . can we get naked now?
EDWARD: Are you sure you’re not worried about me accidentally killing you?
BELLA: Meh.

EDWARD: I hate myself!
BELLA: But Edward, you were spectacular –
EDWARD: I gave you . . . bruises!
BELLA: Hardly, I mean –
EDWARD: NEVER AGAIN.
BELLA: Hold up, now, let’s talk about this –
EDWARD: Sexy time is over!
BELLA: Dammit.

BELLA: Let’s see, I’m having weird dreams, I’m hungry all the time, and yet this chicken smells disgusting, revolting, ugh! – I just threw up eight times today, my period is five days late, and there’s something that feels distinctly fetus-shaped in my womb . . . must be food poisoning.

BELLA: . . . OH.

EDWARD: What do you mean you’re pregnant? Impossible!
BELLA: It CAN happen your first time, Edward, didn’t you pay attention in health class?
EDWARD: We’re going home, and you’re having an abortion!
BELLA: I thought you wanted babies!
EDWARD: Not crazy accelerated vampire babies. What have I done?!
BELLA: At least you know your boys are good swimmers.

ROSALIE: Hello? Who is this?
BELLA: Rosalie, it’s Bella! You have to help me! Edward somehow managed to knock me up, and now he wants to abort our beautiful bouncing baby!
ROSALIE: Beautiful bouncing baby, did you say?
BELLA: Yes.
ROSALIE: We can’t let this happen!
BELLA: I know. He was so concerned about saving my virtue and my immortal soul, I mean, you’d think the guy would at least be pro-life!

JACOB: I’m back, bitches.
SAM: Oh hey, so Bella’s back in town, but apparently her dad’s not allowed to see her because she’s got some kind of crazy tropical disease.
JACOB: Ebola?
SAM: No, I was thinking more along the lines of, she’s a vampire.
JACOB: . . . I’ll be right back.

JACOB: Edward Cullen, I challenge thee to a duel!
BELLA: Oh, Jake! I’m so glad you’re here.
JACOB: Bella? You look terrible! What’s that giant tumour protruding from your stomach?
BELLA: A baby!

EDWARD: Jacob, I’m glad you agreed to talk to me alone. Bella’s got some kind of crazy mutant fetus growing in her, and she won’t let us abort it. It’s probably going to kill her, and if it does, I’d like you to kill me.
JACOB: No problemo.
EDWARD: And I was thinking, maybe, if she wants a baby that badly, if you offered . . .
JACOB: Whoa, what the hell do you think this is, Wife Swap?

WEREWOLVES: Okay, there’s some crazy shit going down here. Let’s attack.
JACOB: Um, hold up a minute.
SAM: What the hell for?
JACOB: You’re just going to kill Bella because you want to kill her demon spawn?
SAM: That’s the idea.
JACOB: Well, I won’t do it!
SAM: Don’t make me use my ~*~Alpha Male~*~ powerz on you.
JACOB: I’m the ~*~Alpha Male~*~ now, biotch!
SAM: lol Good luck finding a pack.

SETH: Hey Jake!
LEAH: ‘Sup.
JACOB: Oh God, not you two.
LEAH: Dude, how’re you gonna be the ~*~Alpha Male~*~ without a pack?
JACOB: I can’t deal with your crazy girl mood swings right now, Leah!
LEAH: Don’t worry, I’ll randomly disappear before the end of the book.

BELLA: Ouch!
JACOB: Are you okay?
BELLA: Oh, it’s just the baby . . . he’s really strong!
CARLISLE: He’s broken two of her ribs, and her pelvis, and he’s sucking all the life out of her.
BELLA: Beautiful bouncing baaaaaabyyyyy . . . .

BELLA: Know what I’d really like? Some blood.
EVERYONE: wut.
JACOB: I know pregnant women get weird cravings, but seriously?
CARLISLE: Okay, we’ll bring it to you in a sippy cup.
BELLA: *Sips*
EDWARD: Well?
BELLA: Hmm, tastes strongly of metal . . . delicious!

BELLA: Wow, I feel better already, you guys!
JACOB: So, any thoughts on what you’re going to name this demon spawn?
BELLA: Well, for a boy I was thinking ‘Edward Jacob’, and for a girl . . . Renesmee.
JACOB: Renesmee.
ROSALIE: Renesmee! It’s perfect and wonderful, just like the baby!
JACOB: Sure. She’ll already be the weirdest girl on the playground, might as well give her a name that’ll make her stand out even more. A++

EDWARD: Oh Bella, I will never forgive myself for impregnating you with this evil spawn of – whoa, wtf.
BELLA: What is it?
EDWARD: I can hear the baby’s thoughts!
JACOB: Wait, since when is it a baby, and not pure evil?
EDWARD: The baby says, we’re all gonna be one big happy family!
JACOB: Betrayal! *Flounces out*

JACOB: *Wanders through the city, staring at girls*
GIRLS: Uh.
JACOB: *Imprint, imprint, imprint dammit!*
GIRL: lol hey.
JACOB: You’re cute.
GIRL: Thanks.
JACOB: WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?!
GIRL: *Backs away*
JACOB: ARGH! I wish I could just forget Bella, and imprint on some girl! Any girl!
UNIVERSE: Be careful what you wish for.
JACOB: What?

BELLA: *Vomits blood*
JACOB: !
BELLA: Um, you guys, I think the placenta just detached, is that bad?
ROSALIE: Well, the baby’s suffocating now.
BELLA: GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!
EDWARD: Shit, Doctor Carlisle picked a really convenient time to go on vacation, didn’t he?
BELLA: Ooooh, there goes my spine.

EDWARD: Jacob, perform CPR, I have to do an emergency C-section, or the baby will try to chew its way out of her.
JACOB: Oh my God, this is so not like that video they showed us in health class.
EDWARD: It’s okay, I’ll just use my teeth!

RENESMEE: lol I’m here you guys, what’s going on?
BELLA: *ded*
ROSALIE: Baaaaaaaby!

JACOB: WTF are you doing?
EDWARD: Stabbing her in the heart with a syringe full of my venom!
JACOB: That’s it, I’m out of here.

JACOB: Must destroy evil demonic soulless murdering fetus of doom!!
RENESMEE: ?
JACOB: . . . !
UNIVERSE: lol

BELLA: Um, hey you guys . . . I feel like I’m being burned alive, some help here . . . ?

EDWARD: Okay, so like, when Bella wakes up, let’s NOT tell her about the whole Jacob imprinting on Renesmee thing.
ALICE: Good idea.
BELLA: Excuse me?
EDWARD: Uh. Oh, look, you’re a vampire!
BELLA: But what about – oh, shiny.

BELLA: Woo, jumping over rivers and hunting mountain lions in a skintight cocktail dress and high-heels is a breeze!
EDWARD: lol for sure, and it’s so neat that you didn’t kill those humans we saw, most newborn vampires have this insatiable blood lust that just can’t be contained, but obviously you’re ~special~.
BELLA: Duh. Hey, speaking of newborns, didn’t we have a daughter with a weird name?
EDWARD: Oh, yeah, about that –
BELLA: Where is she?
EDWARD: Well, she’s with Jacob, but –
BELLA: Jacob? He’s still here? Why?
JACOB: Oh, nice.

BELLA: Wait a minute . . . YOU IMPRINTED ON MY DAUGHTER?
JACOB: It’s not my fault!
BELLA: How could you, Jacob?!
JACOB: I didn’t mean to, man, she just sparkled at me, and –
BELLA: Jacob, you pred!
JACOB: I’m not a pred, I’m not thinking sexy thoughts about her, gross! Besides, Edward would know if I was, and do you think I’d still be alive?
BELLA: . . . True.
JACOB: Besides, Nessie likes me.
BELLA: What did you just call her?
JACOB: Well, it’s better than ‘Renesmee’!
BELLA: *Lunges*

BELLA: Um, sorry I broke your collarbone when you jumped in front of Jacob, Seth.
SETH: No prob!
BELLA: Oh, you guys! I’m so sorry for my shenanigans. Jacob, I understand. How could anyone resist my beautiful, bouncing, brilliant, magical, telepathic baby?
JACOB: Isn’t it great? Now there’s someone besides Bella who we can all be obsessed with!
RENESMEE: Oh great.

CARLISLE: So, uh, we’ve got a bit of a problem.
BELLA: Oh?
CARLISLE: Well, yeah, you know how you conceived Renesmee, carried her to term, and gave birth, all in the space of like a month?
BELLA: Sure do.
CARLISLE: Well, she’s growing about two inches every day, and already has the intellect of a thirteen-year-old. A bright thirteen-year-old. I mean, one of those thirteen-year-olds who reads Russian literature for fun and listens to NPR.
BELLA: wut.

BELLA: Wow, Edward, being a vampire is great, I never get tired, I could just go on having sex for hours and hours and hours. How do you ever know when to stop?
EDWARD: Well, we probably shouldn’t let Renesmee starve to death.
BELLA: Oh, right.

JACOB: lol hai u guyz guess what, Charlie’s coming!
BELLA: Say what?
JACOB: Yeah, I invited him over.
BELLA: Did you forget the part where I’m a vampire, now?
JACOB: Don’t worry, I already gave him a warm up, I transformed into a wolf in front of him, and told him that the state of Washington is populated by more mythological creatures than he ever could have imagined, and that almost everyone he knows, including his daughter, is one of them.
BELLA: You know, Jake, sometimes the depths of your stupidity rival even my own.

CHARLIE: Uh, hey, Bells . . . this kid you and Edward ‘adopted’ has my hair, your eyes, Edward’s teeth . . .
BELLA: It’s okay, dad, you don’t have to know anything you don’t want to.
CHARLIE: Right. What’s on TV?

EMMETT: *Makes hilarious sexual innuendos*
STUDIO AUDIENCE: *Laughs*

BELLA: Oh Edward, I’m worried about Renesmee . . . she’s aging so fast, she’ll be an old woman by the time she’s fifteen!
EDWARD: We’ll figure something out.
BELLA: How?
EDWARD: We’ll google it.

BELLA: Hey, did you just see that Alaskan vampire, what’s-her-face, Irina? She was staring at us from across the meadow just now, and she looked pretty pissed.
EDWARD: Hmm, maybe she doesn’t like what we’ve done with the house.

ALICE: Um, Volturi alert.
EVERYONE: What?
ALICE: The Volturi are coming, like the whole she-bang, they’re bringing the women-folk and everything.
EDWARD: What! Why!
ALICE: Looks like Irina saw Renesmee and thought she was one of those ‘immortal children’, you know, the ones foreshadowed in the first part of the book, that are totally against the law and everything. So anyway, they’re coming to kill us all.
JACOB: Are you sure the Volturi just don’t have a naming law, or something? ‘Cause if they did, I think ‘Renesmee’ would violate it.

ALICE: All right guys, get all the vampires you can think of together. Me and Jasper will, uh, be right back.
EVERYONE: Okay!

SAM: Hey dudes, looks like your vampire sister abandoned you.
EDWARD: Impossible.
SAM: She left this note. It says, ‘Look for these vamps, and don’t try to find us. Yours etc., Alice and Jasper.’
EVERYONE: Well, she must have abandoned us! Certainly there could be no other meaning to this! Woe!

BELLA: I’m sensing that something more is going on here.
UNIVERSE: Wait, what?

BELLA: Alice left me this note in my copy of ‘The Merchant of Venice’! Hmm, what a random place to leave it . . . as far as I know, ‘The Merchant of Venice’ is about an evil Italian guy who demands a pound of flesh as payment for a debt, and the main characters outwit him using ingenious means! Oh well, whatever. I wonder who ‘J. Jenks’ is . . . .

J. JENKS: Hey baby.
BELLA: Oh, you’re a lawyer.
J. JENKS: What can I do ya for?
BELLA: I got a mysterious note telling me to come here.
J. JENKS: Do you need papers?
BELLA: That’s it, papers! Passports and birth certificates for Jacob, uh, Wolfe, and, uh, Vanessa Wolfe.

BELLA: Ha, I’m a genius! ‘Wolfe’ is totally not obvious! And now with these fake documents, my beautiful bouncing telepathic daughter and her future lover will be able to flee danger!

EDWARD: Hey Bella, have you been keeping secrets from me?
BELLA: Absolutely not.
EDWARD: Okay.

VAMPIRES OF THE WORLD: *Show up*
JACOB: I'm going to need an index to keep track of all these guys!
STEPHENIE MEYER: There is one provided at the back of the book.
JACOB: . . . Thanks.

BELLA: You guys, since my mind is a shield or whatever, I'm going to need to practice, so I can shield everyone against the Volturi!
EDWARD: But that would take ages. We've only got a few days!
BELLA: Okay then . . . we're gonna need a montage!

BELLA: The montage worked! I'm ready for the Volturi!
VOLTURI: Good, because we're here.

RENESMEE: I'm not an immortal child. You have to believe me. Look how adorable I am!
EDWARD: Look how adorable she is.
ARO: She's pretty adorable. Okay, I believe you. But there must be some other reason to destroy you. Aha, I know! Who knows what the hell this kid really is? She's too dangerous to be left alive. Yeah, that's it!
EDWARD: Shit.

BELLA: Okay, I guess we're fucked. Jacob, take Renesmee and run to Rio de Janiero. All your illegal documents are in her bag.
EDWARD: This is what you were hiding from me?
BELLA: Yep.
EDWARD: Jacob, I'm sorry it's come to this. I would have followed you, my brother . . . my captain . . . my king.
JACOB: . . .

VOLTURI: *Attack!*
BELLA: *Uses giant Shield o' Doom*
VOLTURI: WTF?
BELLA: You fools didn't know I had a montage!
VOLTURI: Ha! Your montage does not scare us. We'll find some way to kill you!

ALICE: lol hay you guyz!
EDWARD: Where were you?!
ALICE: Running around the Amazon, I found these people, one of them is half-vampire-half-human, just like Renesmee!
AMAZON DUDE: Yo.

EDWARD: So, Shylock Aro, there is a flaw in your argument! Here you see a half-vamp-half-human, who fits into our world perfectly well!
AMAZON DUDE: Sure, I was an adult by the time I was seven, and I haven't changed since.
ARO: And . . . how long ago was that?
AMAZON DUDE: Oh, a hundred and fifty years, give or take.
EDWARD: No further questions, your honour!

VOLTURI: Curses, foiled again!
RENESMEE: Does this mean I don't have to go to Brazil?

ARO: Uh, Carlisle, sorry about the whole almost killing you and your whole family thing. Can we still be BFF?
CARLISLE: No, gtfo.
ARO: Sure, sure, no hard feelings!
CARLISLE: Now.
ARO: *Gets the fuck out*

EVERYONE: *Parties*
RENESMEE: Don't you think that was a little too easy?
JACOB: What?
RENESMEE: Well, those guys are like two thousand years old, and they were just outwitted by my mom's giant Shield o' Doom, and took off? It doesn't seem right.
JACOB: What book do you think you're in, here?
RENESMEE: Good point.

BELLA: I'm so happy! Everything is perfect! I got to be immortal, marry Edward, have a beautiful telepathic genius baby, keep Jacob around, still have a relationship with my dad, who will probably be getting together with Seth and Leah's mom; I'm beautiful, graceful, talented, and sparkly, I've got loads of money, sports cars, a huge wardrobe, my life will be full of love and joy and happiness and endless hot vampire sex, and SO CAN YOU, girls! Just get married and knocked up at the age of eighteen like me, and all this could come true for you too! The end.

RENESMEE: I have a crap name, basically no childhood, my husband is already picked out for me, and my father can read my mind. The only other person like me in the whole world is a creepy Amazon dude who keeps staring at my mom. Dammit, couldn't my mom have just gotten pregnant by an ordinary guy? Then my name would be Ava, and I would go to kindergarten, and go through puberty in five years instead of five months, and I'd have braces and boyfriends, and eat french fries, and -
BELLA: What was that, darling?
RENESMEE: Nothing, mom.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~The End~*~*~*~*~*~*~