Eclipse II

[sandtree]

Guess what? I have insomnia again. So guess what?


CHARLIE: Okay Bella, I'm ungrounding you on one condition.
BELLA: What's that?
CHARLIE: You spend more time with Jacob your friends and less time with Edward.
BELLA: Friends? Ugh, I can't remember where I put those.

EDWARD: lol Hey, look what I found, two tickets to Florida to see your mom!
BELLA: Why the sudden rush to get out of town, Edward? Does this have anything to do with Alice's mysterious and disturbing vision today at school?
EDWARD: Absolutely not.
BELLA: Okay.

CHARLIE: Bella, er, um, argh, eh --
BELLA: What?
CHARLIE: What I mean to say is, are you having sexual relations with that vampire?
BELLA: NO!
CHARLIE: I just want to make sure that you're using condoms.
BELLA: Oh my God, Dad!
CHARLIE: Because the pill isn't enough, honey, it doesn't protect you from STDs.
BELLA: You wouldn't care if it were Jacob giving me STDs!
CHARLIE: That's true.

RENEE: So Bella, I've noticed that you and Edward are. . . close.
BELLA: Oh God, not this again.
RENEE: I mean, like, abnormally close.
BELLA: Look, Mom, I learned all about this in health class already.
RENEE: I mean close as in, you seem to orbit around him like a moon.
BELLA: Oh. Fair enough.
RENEE: Well, it's not natural, Bella!
BELLA: Oh Mom, you've been reading too many vampire novels.
RENEE: lolz You're right.

JACOB: im in ur skool, gettin up in ur grill!
BELLA: Hi, Jake.
JACOB: I'm a certified gangster.
EDWARD: What do you want?
JACOB: Bella, I just thought you should know that Edward spirited you off to Florida because crazy Victoria was on her way here to kill you.
BELLA: !
JACOB: Looks like you two have got some communication problems.
EDWARD: Okay, that's it.

KIDS: OMG, this could be the first fight Forks High has seen since 1973!
PRINCIPAL: Oh shite. You with the motorcycle, get lost!
JACOB: What, you have a problem with natives?
PRINCIPAL: No, I have a problem with werewolves, now gtfo.

ALICE: Hey Bella, we're going to have a sleepover!
BELLA: Edward put you up to this, didn't he?
ALICE: Um.
BELLA: You're kidnapping me, aren't you?
ALICE: . . .No.
BELLA: What did he bribe you with?
ALICE: A sports car! :D

ROSALIE: Hi Bella.
BELLA: Hey?
ROSALIE: Once upon a time, I was young and hot, and I got engaged because I wanted babies. But then my fiance and his friends raped me and left me to die in a dark alley. Carlisle found me and decided to change me. It was the most excruciating experience of my life. And that's the story of how I became a vampire.
BELLA: Er. . .
ROSALIE: Sleep tight!

BELLA: Edward, can I please just go visit the werewolves?
EDWARD: Well, if I say no, you'll probably just kill yourself trying. So sure.
BELLA: Yay!

BELLA: Hi Jake! :D
JACOB: . . .
EDWARD: . . .
BELLA: Okay, you guys suck.
JACOB: Actually, only one of us does.
BELLA: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.

JACOB: Bella, I am --
BELLA: A werewolf?
JACOB: Yeah, but besides that.
BELLA: What else could you possibly be?
JACOB: I was going to say, I'm in love with you.
BELLA: . . .I might need to google this.

BELLA: You broke my hand!
JACOB: You broke your hand on my jaw.
BELLA: You kissed me!
JACOB: You liked it.
BELLA: I HATE YOU.
JACOB: You'll come around.

CHARLIE: Hey Jacob, why's she so mad at you?
JACOB: I've just been making unwanted sexual advances.
CHARLIE: I'm proud of you, son. Feel free to force yourself on my teenage daughter any time.
JACOB: Thanks, sir.

BELLA: So there's a bloodthirsty vampire roaming the streets of Seattle, killing at random?
EDWARD: Looks like it.
BELLA: Could this have anything to do with whoever ransacked my room?
EDWARD: Did you just. . . figure something out?
BELLA: I think so.
EDWARD: This can't be right.

BELLA: Bad dreams in the night. They told me I was going to lose the fight. Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering, wuthering --
CHARLIE: Bella, turn that Kate Bush record off and get ready for school!

JASPER: Okay, it's time for a vampire history lesson.
ROSALIE: Oh God, not this again.

JASPER: So that's why I think that there's an army of vicious newborn vampires on the loose in Seattle.
ALICE: But who's controlling them?
EDWARD: Probably the Volturi.
BELLA: Vampires. . . Seattle. . . room ransacked. . . Victoria wants to rip me to shreds. . . nope, I can't find any connection. Must be the Volturi.

BELLA: . . .OH.

JACOB: What's up?
BELLA: You and two other werewolves decided it would be a good idea to crash a party full of vampires?
JACOB: Sure.
BELLA: Jake, you're even stupider than I am.
EDWARD: BTW, Jacob, these crazy vampires are after Bella, and since we're both obsessed with her, I say we form a truce.
JACOB: Fair enough.

BELLA: Isn't it great that we're going to spend the whole night alone in your house, Edward?
EDWARD: Yep.
BELLA: I knew that giant bed from the beginning of the book wasn't there for nothing.
EDWARD: What could you possibly be talking about?
BELLA: Sexy time?
EDWARD: What? No! No sexy time! Where could you have possibly got such a ludicrous idea?
BELLA: Is this because you don't want to kill me?
EDWARD: No, it's mainly about protecting your virtue and your immortal soul.
BELLA: Ugh.

EDWARD: Okay, Bella, we'll have sexy time.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: But you have to marry me first.
BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1//`1eleventyone11!11
EDWARD: Look, I've got you a ring.
BELLA: . . .shiny.

BELLA: Okay, this camping thing isn't working out so well.
EDWARD: Too bad we don't have a space heater.
JACOB: 'sup.

EDWARD: Jacob, could you please refrain from thinking dirty thoughts about my girlfriend while we're in the same tent?
JACOB: You've got a temper, like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy.
EDWARD: Are you quoting Wuthering Heights?
JACOB: Not at all.
BELLA: This is nice, you guys.

JACOB: Bella, you're actually in love with me.
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Well, at least kiss me.
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Kiss me, or I'm going to kill myself.
BELLA: oh noes!

BELLA: This is horrible!
BELLA: This is quite nice.
BELLA: Oh no, I'm actually in love with him, how can this be?!
JACOB: Whatever, I'm not arguing.

EDWARD: I just realised something.
BELLA: So did I. :(
EDWARD: That whole army of vampires thing was a distraction.
BELLA: A distraction?
VICTORIA: Hey.
BELLA: Oh, I see what you did there.

BELLA: Well, thank God that's over.
EDWARD: You're not freaked out that I just dismembered a vampire in front of you?
BELLA: Not at all. What's for lunch?

EDWARD: What's wrong?
BELLA: I am a horrible person! I love Jacob, but I have to tell him I can't be with him!
EDWARD: It's all right. Whatever makes you happy. I understand.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: No, but give me a break here, I'm trying to be noble.

VOLTURI: lol Hey.
CARLISLE: Move along, nothing to see here.
JANE: So the lot of you took out twenty crazed vampires on your own?
CARLISLE: Yep.
JANE: Completely by yourselves? No help from any other mythological creatures, by any chance?
CARLISLE: Nope.
JANE: Okay. Come visit us in Italy when you finally turn Bella into a vampire.
ALICE: Will do.
JANE: Buhbai.

BELLA: Jacob, I'm sorry.
JACOB: Whatevz.
BELLA: Really, I feel terrible, even if you have acted like a complete asshat this year.
JACOB: It'll never work out between you and Edward, you know. And I'll be waiting here until you realise that.
BELLA: So what, you're a vulture now, too?
JACOB: I'm going to pretend to be noble now.
BELLA: Good luck with that.

EDWARD: Sexy time?
BELLA: Whoa, what?
EDWARD: I've decided to try things your way.
BELLA: What about my virtue?
EDWARD: Well, if you insist. Let's get married, then.
BELLA: Okay, but we have to be married by August 13th.
EDWARD: Okay. August 13th, 2012.
BELLA: No, August 13th, this year.
EDWARD: Fine. So now let's go break the news to Charlie.
BELLA: :-|
EDWARD: lol.

LEAH: *Bitches*
JACOB: *Angsts*

THE END.

Come on over to Part 4: 'BREAKING DAWN in Fifteen Minutes'!

Comments

[huinesoron.livejournal.com]

BELLA: You wouldn't care if it were Jacob giving me STDs!
CHARLIE: That's true.

Ah, Charlie Charlie Charlie. Such a silly. But so doing the right thing.

BELLA: What did he bribe you with?
ALICE: A sports car! :D

... I do like Alice.

BELLA: Vampires. . . Seattle. . . room ransacked. . . Victoria wants to rip me to shreds. . . nope, I can't find any connection. Must be the Volturi.

ARGH WHY IS EVERYONE STUPID. Actually I want to know why they even thought there were vampires involves in the first place. Aren't the vamps more into the 'blood sucking' and less the 'ripping to shreds' side of things? There was no evidence given to us that vampires were involved in the Seattle thing; to be honest, it sounded more like werewolves than vampires. And I refuse to believe that Club Cullen, with their blatant prejudices, somehow failed to think of that.

Also, woe. No more books for you to summarise. Where will I get my entertainment now?

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

Well, that's what I was thinking while I was reading the book. "Why does it have to be vampires? Why can't it be werewolves? Or maybe it's Jasper, he's finally snapped?" :P

[celebestel.livejournal.com]

. . . Jasper.

Heeeee. That is completely the way it should have gone.

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

But then I would've felt bad. For Alice. :P

[huinesoron.livejournal.com]

I did have that latter thought, too. Such a twist! But Steph doesn't seem to do twists much.

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't know if I could handle too many twists in these books. I freaked out enough when Bella realised she loved Jacob. XD

[little-baldwin.livejournal.com]

BELLA: Okay, you guys suck.
JACOB: Actually, only one of us does.
BELLA: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.

JACOB: I was going to say, I'm in love with you.
BELLA: . . .I might need to google this.

You, madam, are made of win. XD

Oh, and this?

BELLA: A distraction?
VICTORIA: Hey.
BELLA: Oh, I see what you did there.

For a second there, I was like, "What the hell am I doing in her Eclipse summary?" And I then I got it. I'm dumb sometimes. :P

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

Does it ever bother you that you share your name with an evil and now dismembered vampire? :P

Love the icon, by the way.

[little-baldwin.livejournal.com]

It bothers me that Edward hates my name. But that's about it. XD I do so love reading the lines about Victoria's vicious, feline figure.

Thanks. ;D

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

*Smith makes mental note: Do not read parodies here while sipping tea. Laughs good. Tea all over monitor, desk? Not so good.*

[breathingbooks.livejournal.com]

I followed the link from sartorias' post and loved all 3, though this one's my favorite. Thanks for posting them. :D

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I love your icon!

[eruka.livejournal.com]

CHARLIE: Hey Jacob, why's she so mad at you?
JACOB: I've just been making unwanted sexual advances.
CHARLIE: I'm proud of you, son. Feel free to force yourself on my teenage daughter any time.
JACOB: Thanks, sir.

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha...

this totally made me lol.

[kodah.livejournal.com]

I followed this from Amicasta's page. I'm now in love with you. You get to duke it out with my fighting fish and my boyfriend now to see who wins my affections. They're both jealous of each other.

And I want a shiny ring! Somebody tell that boyfriend of mine...

Kodah.

[headswedance.livejournal.com]

These are absolute win.

"BELLA: Bad dreams in the night. They told me I was going to lose the fight. Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering, wuthering --
CHARLIE: Bella, turn that Kate Bush record off and get ready for school!"

I'm reading these at work and I laughed out loud when I read this. Kate Bush is epic love.

[xxxduckie.livejournal.com]

JACOB: Bella, I am --
BELLA: A werewolf?
JACOB: Yeah, but besides that.
BELLA: What else could you possibly be?
JACOB: I was going to say, I'm in love with you.
BELLA: . . .I might need to google this.




AHAHAHAHA XD

[ozymr.livejournal.com]

Local girls doing bad things Go Here dld.bz/chwZJ