Eclipse II

[sandtree]

Guess what? I have insomnia again. So guess what?


CHARLIE: Okay Bella, I'm ungrounding you on one condition.
BELLA: What's that?
CHARLIE: You spend more time with Jacob your friends and less time with Edward.
BELLA: Friends? Ugh, I can't remember where I put those.

EDWARD: lol Hey, look what I found, two tickets to Florida to see your mom!
BELLA: Why the sudden rush to get out of town, Edward? Does this have anything to do with Alice's mysterious and disturbing vision today at school?
EDWARD: Absolutely not.
BELLA: Okay.

CHARLIE: Bella, er, um, argh, eh --
BELLA: What?
CHARLIE: What I mean to say is, are you having sexual relations with that vampire?
BELLA: NO!
CHARLIE: I just want to make sure that you're using condoms.
BELLA: Oh my God, Dad!
CHARLIE: Because the pill isn't enough, honey, it doesn't protect you from STDs.
BELLA: You wouldn't care if it were Jacob giving me STDs!
CHARLIE: That's true.

RENEE: So Bella, I've noticed that you and Edward are. . . close.
BELLA: Oh God, not this again.
RENEE: I mean, like, abnormally close.
BELLA: Look, Mom, I learned all about this in health class already.
RENEE: I mean close as in, you seem to orbit around him like a moon.
BELLA: Oh. Fair enough.
RENEE: Well, it's not natural, Bella!
BELLA: Oh Mom, you've been reading too many vampire novels.
RENEE: lolz You're right.

JACOB: im in ur skool, gettin up in ur grill!
BELLA: Hi, Jake.
JACOB: I'm a certified gangster.
EDWARD: What do you want?
JACOB: Bella, I just thought you should know that Edward spirited you off to Florida because crazy Victoria was on her way here to kill you.
BELLA: !
JACOB: Looks like you two have got some communication problems.
EDWARD: Okay, that's it.

KIDS: OMG, this could be the first fight Forks High has seen since 1973!
PRINCIPAL: Oh shite. You with the motorcycle, get lost!
JACOB: What, you have a problem with natives?
PRINCIPAL: No, I have a problem with werewolves, now gtfo.

ALICE: Hey Bella, we're going to have a sleepover!
BELLA: Edward put you up to this, didn't he?
ALICE: Um.
BELLA: You're kidnapping me, aren't you?
ALICE: . . .No.
BELLA: What did he bribe you with?
ALICE: A sports car! :D

ROSALIE: Hi Bella.
BELLA: Hey?
ROSALIE: Once upon a time, I was young and hot, and I got engaged because I wanted babies. But then my fiance and his friends raped me and left me to die in a dark alley. Carlisle found me and decided to change me. It was the most excruciating experience of my life. And that's the story of how I became a vampire.
BELLA: Er. . .
ROSALIE: Sleep tight!

BELLA: Edward, can I please just go visit the werewolves?
EDWARD: Well, if I say no, you'll probably just kill yourself trying. So sure.
BELLA: Yay!

BELLA: Hi Jake! :D
JACOB: . . .
EDWARD: . . .
BELLA: Okay, you guys suck.
JACOB: Actually, only one of us does.
BELLA: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.

JACOB: Bella, I am --
BELLA: A werewolf?
JACOB: Yeah, but besides that.
BELLA: What else could you possibly be?
JACOB: I was going to say, I'm in love with you.
BELLA: . . .I might need to google this.

BELLA: You broke my hand!
JACOB: You broke your hand on my jaw.
BELLA: You kissed me!
JACOB: You liked it.
BELLA: I HATE YOU.
JACOB: You'll come around.

CHARLIE: Hey Jacob, why's she so mad at you?
JACOB: I've just been making unwanted sexual advances.
CHARLIE: I'm proud of you, son. Feel free to force yourself on my teenage daughter any time.
JACOB: Thanks, sir.

BELLA: So there's a bloodthirsty vampire roaming the streets of Seattle, killing at random?
EDWARD: Looks like it.
BELLA: Could this have anything to do with whoever ransacked my room?
EDWARD: Did you just. . . figure something out?
BELLA: I think so.
EDWARD: This can't be right.

BELLA: Bad dreams in the night. They told me I was going to lose the fight. Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering, wuthering --
CHARLIE: Bella, turn that Kate Bush record off and get ready for school!

JASPER: Okay, it's time for a vampire history lesson.
ROSALIE: Oh God, not this again.

JASPER: So that's why I think that there's an army of vicious newborn vampires on the loose in Seattle.
ALICE: But who's controlling them?
EDWARD: Probably the Volturi.
BELLA: Vampires. . . Seattle. . . room ransacked. . . Victoria wants to rip me to shreds. . . nope, I can't find any connection. Must be the Volturi.

BELLA: . . .OH.

JACOB: What's up?
BELLA: You and two other werewolves decided it would be a good idea to crash a party full of vampires?
JACOB: Sure.
BELLA: Jake, you're even stupider than I am.
EDWARD: BTW, Jacob, these crazy vampires are after Bella, and since we're both obsessed with her, I say we form a truce.
JACOB: Fair enough.

BELLA: Isn't it great that we're going to spend the whole night alone in your house, Edward?
EDWARD: Yep.
BELLA: I knew that giant bed from the beginning of the book wasn't there for nothing.
EDWARD: What could you possibly be talking about?
BELLA: Sexy time?
EDWARD: What? No! No sexy time! Where could you have possibly got such a ludicrous idea?
BELLA: Is this because you don't want to kill me?
EDWARD: No, it's mainly about protecting your virtue and your immortal soul.
BELLA: Ugh.

EDWARD: Okay, Bella, we'll have sexy time.
BELLA: Yay!
EDWARD: But you have to marry me first.
BELLA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1//`1eleventyone11!11
EDWARD: Look, I've got you a ring.
BELLA: . . .shiny.

BELLA: Okay, this camping thing isn't working out so well.
EDWARD: Too bad we don't have a space heater.
JACOB: 'sup.

EDWARD: Jacob, could you please refrain from thinking dirty thoughts about my girlfriend while we're in the same tent?
JACOB: You've got a temper, like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy.
EDWARD: Are you quoting Wuthering Heights?
JACOB: Not at all.
BELLA: This is nice, you guys.

JACOB: Bella, you're actually in love with me.
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Well, at least kiss me.
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Kiss me, or I'm going to kill myself.
BELLA: oh noes!

BELLA: This is horrible!
BELLA: This is quite nice.
BELLA: Oh no, I'm actually in love with him, how can this be?!
JACOB: Whatever, I'm not arguing.

EDWARD: I just realised something.
BELLA: So did I. :(
EDWARD: That whole army of vampires thing was a distraction.
BELLA: A distraction?
VICTORIA: Hey.
BELLA: Oh, I see what you did there.

BELLA: Well, thank God that's over.
EDWARD: You're not freaked out that I just dismembered a vampire in front of you?
BELLA: Not at all. What's for lunch?

EDWARD: What's wrong?
BELLA: I am a horrible person! I love Jacob, but I have to tell him I can't be with him!
EDWARD: It's all right. Whatever makes you happy. I understand.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: No, but give me a break here, I'm trying to be noble.

VOLTURI: lol Hey.
CARLISLE: Move along, nothing to see here.
JANE: So the lot of you took out twenty crazed vampires on your own?
CARLISLE: Yep.
JANE: Completely by yourselves? No help from any other mythological creatures, by any chance?
CARLISLE: Nope.
JANE: Okay. Come visit us in Italy when you finally turn Bella into a vampire.
ALICE: Will do.
JANE: Buhbai.

BELLA: Jacob, I'm sorry.
JACOB: Whatevz.
BELLA: Really, I feel terrible, even if you have acted like a complete asshat this year.
JACOB: It'll never work out between you and Edward, you know. And I'll be waiting here until you realise that.
BELLA: So what, you're a vulture now, too?
JACOB: I'm going to pretend to be noble now.
BELLA: Good luck with that.

EDWARD: Sexy time?
BELLA: Whoa, what?
EDWARD: I've decided to try things your way.
BELLA: What about my virtue?
EDWARD: Well, if you insist. Let's get married, then.
BELLA: Okay, but we have to be married by August 13th.
EDWARD: Okay. August 13th, 2012.
BELLA: No, August 13th, this year.
EDWARD: Fine. So now let's go break the news to Charlie.
BELLA: :-|
EDWARD: lol.

LEAH: *Bitches*
JACOB: *Angsts*

THE END.

Come on over to Part 4: 'BREAKING DAWN in Fifteen Minutes'!

Comments

[celebestel.livejournal.com]

. . . Jasper.

Heeeee. That is completely the way it should have gone.

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

But then I would've felt bad. For Alice. :P